Through my years in recovery, I have found addicts tend to be extremely creative. Outside of their addictions, many of these folks could be world renowned negotiators. Whoever came up with the phrase, “time is money” was off to a good start. Yet, it is the addict who perfected phrase with the concept “time is alcohol or drugs”. The functioning addict works hard all day. They watch the clock in anticipation for the second work is done. Five o'clock rolls around and woot, self medicating time begins!
An excellent alcoholic negotiator is past Senator Ted Kennedy. Dead Ted worked it. In his early political days, I'll bet a fifth of Crown Royal he didn't remember half the legislation he signed. Both Republicans and Democrats are quoted that Dead Ted could unite both parties on issues during late night filibusters in his office. Like that's fucking rocket science? Take a little controversial legislation, add in a few hookers, plenty of 20 year old scotch, and suddenly seniors have free health care. Now that's a fucking negotiator. Shit, he even got out of work early once, got fucked up, forget his car went off a bridge with some chick named Mary Jo in it, swam across a river to sober up, then turned is ass in to police. Show me the non-addict that could pull off a fucked up night like that and still get off.
We all cannot be wealthy senators with boot leggers for parents, but we still can be negotiators. One of my favorite negotiators I met in a recovery program was this guy we'll call Pete. Like the rest of us in recovery, Pete was missing large portions of his life due to black outs. Most of us play down those dark moments in life. Not Pete, he was going to use them to his advantage and provide entertainment while doing it.
Plastic Pete ran up a stack of credit card debt during his using days. Once on the sober track, Pete had to start digging his finances out. There really was no way to do this for those of us who know the cost of going to rehab. I can't generalize by saying we all have been through the harassing collection calls. There are you good eggs out there who don't fuck yourself by over extension. I however can relate to Plastic Pete since I also have been on the end of the collection bitches. These fucktard collection asswhipes go as far as asking how you are buying food for your family. Once you tell them that you can still afford food, they tell you to cut that budget so you can pay on the 33% interest they've now jacked your rate up to. You know the fat bitch on the other end of the phone telling you this is stuffing a fucking Twinkie in her mouth while suggesting you starve your family.
Good old Plastic Pete went on the defensive with these douche fucks. In the true American way, he turned blame for his addiction and debt on the credit card companies. His stories were classic. During one call, he demanded to speak to his cards legal department because in Michigan, any contract entered under undue influence was not valid. Plastic Pete swore Jack Daniels forced him to sign the application.
On another occasion, he agreed he would pay only charges made at one local bar and a local party store. His defense, those were the only two place in the past five years he recalls using a credit card . Any purchases made more than a mile from his home could not possibly be his because the state took his drivers license away years ago.
My favorite was when Plastic Pete told Citibank he was going to sue them for enabling his addiction and the legal fees for his drunk drivings. He argued with the collection agent that had Citibank better monitored their clients purchases, they would have seen a clear pattern that all of his were alcohol related. Had Citibank noticed this pattern and declined all future charges based on the fact he was drunk all the time. He then would have had to seek treatment and would have never gotten busted for drunk driving.
Pete said the collection agents would get so pissed tripping all over their words. Responses to charging while intoxicated must be something missing from their training manual. Plastic Pete ended up filing bankruptcy in the end, but it sounded like he had a shit load of fun along the way.
Now that is a fucking creative dude, fucked up, but creative.
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