The purpose of my blog is to comfort the fucked up. When one feels their life is beyond fucked up, turning to my ramblings should bring a sense of normalcy to your waste of life. Let's face it, I'm way more fucked up than you are. If by chance you find your life has become what you perceive to be more fucked up than mine, please turn to my emergency fucked up person suggestion – Mackenzie Phillips.
Help me out here, but would Mackenzie just over dose already? It's next to impossible to find someone more fucked up than her. She makes Charlie Manson seem like a Paw Ingalls. I still think Paw was slipping Half Pint his meat, Mary saw so he poked her eyes out, but that is a whole other story.
Last evening while making a taco pie, one of those Hollywood rag shows was on the television. Headlining was that Mackenzie is checking herself into the Celebrity Rehab cable series. First, that's not rehab nor is structured like a reputable rehab. Second, does anyone care if Mackenzie Phillips even lives? So her father got her hooked on drugs at an early age – get over it. Worse shit has happened to people out in the world and they have managed to move on. Elisabeth Fritzl's father locked her ass in a basement for 24 years and knocked her up seven times. We don't have to watch her ass on Oprah – she's moved on.
I'm not doubting Mackenzie's story about fucking her father. They were both fucked up and am sure it seemed cool to them at the time. What pisses me off is after Papa Phillips is six feet under, the whore then writes a book about her “rape”. It wasn't rape – she admits she consented yet still wants to call it rape. Shit doesn't work like that. Then her douche crap about aborting their “love child”. Just listening to the shit come out of her mouth makes me want to tie a buzz on. Bottom line is once he died her gravy train was cut off. Mackenzie really never did fuck with her life and lived off his coin. Obviously what money she got from her memoirs of sex with daddy didn't last long. Sadly Celebrity fake Rehab is willing to throw some coin her way now. What will this junkie come up with next?
Next time you're feeling like a major fuck up, take a moment and answer the following questions:
1. Did you do a lot of drugs and fuck Mick Jagger?
2. Did your dad listen as Mick Jagger fucked you?
3. Did you do a shit load of drugs, fuck your father, then tell Oprah?
4. Are you white? If so Oprah does not care about you.
5. Did you go on Oprah after you wrote a book about fucking your father while on drugs?
6. Is Oprah a fat racist pig? Oh, and did you fuck your father and then have an abortion?
7. Why the fuck is Oprah even on television?
After really giving those questions some deep thought, you'll see you're not so fucked up – but boy that Mackenzie Phillips sure is. Maybe it's not such a bad thing Mackenzie lives. It's comforting to know someone way more fucked up than I am is still alive to make me feel better about myself.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
That's Not The Michelin Man.... It's Chaz Boner...
Okay, what the fuck is up with Chazie Bono? I'm aware her getting a penis is old news. However during my insomnia hours early this morning, I stumbled across recent paparazzi photos of her/him – whatever the fuck she is now. I always browse trash reading on the net when I cannot sleep. Hollywood news involves no brain cells and won't piss me off like those damn Haitians. Anyway, Chazie is fucking bigger now! We are talking two airplane seats huge. One would think getting something new, like a penis, she would at least want to look down and marvel at it. She can't see her toes these days let alone her new pump up appendage. She just looks fucking wrong.
Before you all start jumping on my shit about making fun of the transgender, that's not my intention. I don't get the whole thing, but would never bash it. During my gay bar days, I met many folks pumped up on female hormones doing the trans thing. Women to man cross over was more rare and they didn't seem to be at the male bars. I did notice the transies here in Michigan were amateurs compared to those in real cities such as Chicago and Atlanta. Even the gay community stereotypes. I had met some lesbians while in Nashville years back who referred to Detroit lesbians as “the autoworker dykes”. Detroit will never catch a break.
If you have never experienced a drag show with authentic transies, I encourage you to do so. It's like seeing Big Ben – it's a must once during your life. The majority of transies don't go as far as the actual organ swap out. That costs a shit load of coin. Let's face it, finding work as a woman legally named Steve is a tough one. Many of these folks most can tell their real gender. Yet, there are those that are a total mind fuck. I had met this smoking hot transie years ago at a bar in Atlanta. Any of my straight buddies would have jumped this gal had she not had a penis. It added to the fucked up-ness because she was hitting on me. No, I did not go there. I like my cock minus breasts thank you very much. Still, no one would know this girl was really a man. Silly me had a million question. One of which, what did she do for employment? I should have known - cosmetic counter at Rich's Department Store.
Back to Chaz, what the fuck is up with her? My rambling about the trans folks I have met was to make a point of the pride they take in their new appearance. Even those who are obvious chicks with dicks still work the hair, make up, clothes, the whole package - it makes total sense. Woman who get new boobs take great pride in their investment. Cosmetic changes should boost the ego. Did Chaz's doctor fuck with her and give her a tiny pump up penis? Why doe she look like all fucking hell? I cannot imagine someone would go in for cosmetic corrections with a desire to look like a trailer park wife beater. Every time Chaz rolls that new 500 pound body into public she is sporting a gross dirty tee shirt and cuffed Levi's. Where the fuck is the Armani??? Cher's second husband Gregg Almann was a huge pig. Chaz fucking looks just like him now. I would venture to say Almann knocked up Cher with that bitch - not happy go dead Sonny.
This is just like the media coverage of gay pride shit. They don't put guys like me on footage. The public always sees a bunch of fairies running around in leather thongs. I feel badly the media is portraying Chaz as the stereotype for transgender folks. That chick with a dick just isn't right.
Before you all start jumping on my shit about making fun of the transgender, that's not my intention. I don't get the whole thing, but would never bash it. During my gay bar days, I met many folks pumped up on female hormones doing the trans thing. Women to man cross over was more rare and they didn't seem to be at the male bars. I did notice the transies here in Michigan were amateurs compared to those in real cities such as Chicago and Atlanta. Even the gay community stereotypes. I had met some lesbians while in Nashville years back who referred to Detroit lesbians as “the autoworker dykes”. Detroit will never catch a break.
If you have never experienced a drag show with authentic transies, I encourage you to do so. It's like seeing Big Ben – it's a must once during your life. The majority of transies don't go as far as the actual organ swap out. That costs a shit load of coin. Let's face it, finding work as a woman legally named Steve is a tough one. Many of these folks most can tell their real gender. Yet, there are those that are a total mind fuck. I had met this smoking hot transie years ago at a bar in Atlanta. Any of my straight buddies would have jumped this gal had she not had a penis. It added to the fucked up-ness because she was hitting on me. No, I did not go there. I like my cock minus breasts thank you very much. Still, no one would know this girl was really a man. Silly me had a million question. One of which, what did she do for employment? I should have known - cosmetic counter at Rich's Department Store.
Back to Chaz, what the fuck is up with her? My rambling about the trans folks I have met was to make a point of the pride they take in their new appearance. Even those who are obvious chicks with dicks still work the hair, make up, clothes, the whole package - it makes total sense. Woman who get new boobs take great pride in their investment. Cosmetic changes should boost the ego. Did Chaz's doctor fuck with her and give her a tiny pump up penis? Why doe she look like all fucking hell? I cannot imagine someone would go in for cosmetic corrections with a desire to look like a trailer park wife beater. Every time Chaz rolls that new 500 pound body into public she is sporting a gross dirty tee shirt and cuffed Levi's. Where the fuck is the Armani??? Cher's second husband Gregg Almann was a huge pig. Chaz fucking looks just like him now. I would venture to say Almann knocked up Cher with that bitch - not happy go dead Sonny.
This is just like the media coverage of gay pride shit. They don't put guys like me on footage. The public always sees a bunch of fairies running around in leather thongs. I feel badly the media is portraying Chaz as the stereotype for transgender folks. That chick with a dick just isn't right.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Why Your Sex Life Is In The Shitter....
People come to me with really fucked up situations. The one that bothers me the most is sexual problems in their relationship. I'm going to assume that the majority of straight folks have this misconception that fags have a regular and active sex life. Hate to break the news, it's not all that. Eleven years in my relationship and the bad ain't a rockin' because no ones got a cock in. I cannot offer a solution as to how to get that spark to fuck back in your life. Through my conversations with many sexually frustrated people, I have identified a single factor of when peoples sex lives seem to go down the shitter. Many want to live in denial. These are the same people who call their kids cute. People with cute kids don't refer to them as cute. Every time I hear someone call their kid cute, I wait in fear. They usually show up with some Downs kid or the brat has a million tubes shoved up its head. Sorry, nothing cute about that.
This is the key, the shitter. The first time your sexual partner takes a dump in front of you, or with the door open, kiss your sex life good bye. Go spend all the money you want on therapy. In the end, you will still think of what I am telling you and realize I pin pointed the moment it all began going down hill. It makes sense if you think about it. People don't take a dump in front of their bosses, parents, good friends, or anyone they have respect towards. Also, did you take a dump on your first date with your current sexual partner? Hell no! The whole concept of stinking up your pad or date's place when your a new sexual prospect was present goes beyond mortifying for most. Suddenly, a few good fucks mixed in with time, then the shitting begins. Some make it years before their sexual partner takes on the casual attitude of open poops. For the few and lucky, they are never forced to endure this lack of respect. Those are the ones who always seem to have the active sex lives.
Some years back I met a great guy. He was the mayor of an affluent Detroit suburb, good looking, funny, and seemed like quite the catch. Our second date he came to my home. Not five minutes in the door he asks to use my bathroom. My house has two and a half baths - the half bathroom being the least private. Naturally the dumb ass picks the half bathroom. Suddenly there was an ass explosion coming from behind the door. I'm talking the kind you know will leave shit splatters on the underside of the toilet seat. What the fuck was that all about? The guy passed God knows how many restaurants and gas stations during the half hour drive to my place. It does not take a rocket scientist to pick a McDonald's restroom to blow apart thus not destroying the chance of getting laid. I never went out with the guy again. Getting past that massive shit he took in my bathroom just was too much.
Another time I was in the mood for cheap bar sex. I hook up with this guy and we end up back at his place. Things are getting heavy when he excuses himself to the bathroom. This time I didn't hear the shit in progress, but when that door opened, I sure as hell smelled it. Boom, moment killed. Who the fuck would have causal sex with a stranger that just took a huge shit? I could maybe have continued had this guy showered, but no way was I going down the dump and fuck road.
Since we won't tolerate dumping while dating, why would it become attractive once we are in a committed relationship? Hence my point, it will kill your sex life in a relationship. The image of your sexual partner sitting on the toilet pinching out corn and God knows what else, is scaring. It ranks right up there with finding a used tampon in the trash.
If you are still in the early stages of a relationship, do yourself the favor and always shit in private. You will thank me for this.
This is the key, the shitter. The first time your sexual partner takes a dump in front of you, or with the door open, kiss your sex life good bye. Go spend all the money you want on therapy. In the end, you will still think of what I am telling you and realize I pin pointed the moment it all began going down hill. It makes sense if you think about it. People don't take a dump in front of their bosses, parents, good friends, or anyone they have respect towards. Also, did you take a dump on your first date with your current sexual partner? Hell no! The whole concept of stinking up your pad or date's place when your a new sexual prospect was present goes beyond mortifying for most. Suddenly, a few good fucks mixed in with time, then the shitting begins. Some make it years before their sexual partner takes on the casual attitude of open poops. For the few and lucky, they are never forced to endure this lack of respect. Those are the ones who always seem to have the active sex lives.
Some years back I met a great guy. He was the mayor of an affluent Detroit suburb, good looking, funny, and seemed like quite the catch. Our second date he came to my home. Not five minutes in the door he asks to use my bathroom. My house has two and a half baths - the half bathroom being the least private. Naturally the dumb ass picks the half bathroom. Suddenly there was an ass explosion coming from behind the door. I'm talking the kind you know will leave shit splatters on the underside of the toilet seat. What the fuck was that all about? The guy passed God knows how many restaurants and gas stations during the half hour drive to my place. It does not take a rocket scientist to pick a McDonald's restroom to blow apart thus not destroying the chance of getting laid. I never went out with the guy again. Getting past that massive shit he took in my bathroom just was too much.
Another time I was in the mood for cheap bar sex. I hook up with this guy and we end up back at his place. Things are getting heavy when he excuses himself to the bathroom. This time I didn't hear the shit in progress, but when that door opened, I sure as hell smelled it. Boom, moment killed. Who the fuck would have causal sex with a stranger that just took a huge shit? I could maybe have continued had this guy showered, but no way was I going down the dump and fuck road.
Since we won't tolerate dumping while dating, why would it become attractive once we are in a committed relationship? Hence my point, it will kill your sex life in a relationship. The image of your sexual partner sitting on the toilet pinching out corn and God knows what else, is scaring. It ranks right up there with finding a used tampon in the trash.
If you are still in the early stages of a relationship, do yourself the favor and always shit in private. You will thank me for this.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Text HAITI To 90999 If You're An Ass Fuck
How many times have you had a panhandler or homeless person hit you up for spare change yet ignored them? It's funny because if you are with another individual when a vagrant asks, I have noticed we tend to talk louder and faster until we are a comfortable distance past them. It's as if we do all we can to pretend the dirty, drug addict, waste of life does not exist. The most common excuse I hear from people for not giving street fucks money when approached is they will just buy drugs with it. In reality, does it matter what they do with your spare change? You're just going to put it in a jar or drawer at home only to forget about it. How do you really know they are buying drugs verses a 40 ouncer of Colt 45 with a pack of Kool Milds? Shit, maybe they are even saving up for a cheap whore who will then buy drugs with the money they got from the panhandler. What does it fucking matter? It's only change.
Easy way to call a vagrant out is to offer buying them a meal verses actually giving them the coin. I have found most times they will decline the food. If they take you up on the meal I suggest you do it. Years ago in DC some bum hit me up for money. Instead, I offered to buy him lunch - he took me up on it. His stories were classic and after lunch he took my lost tourist ass on a tour. He was honestly refreshing to spend a day with.
What's fucked up is we harshly judge American homeless vagrants. People deem them lazy and believe they could get a job if they wanted. Of course they do drugs, all panhandlers do drugs! The only reason they are like they are is because they choose to be. Maybe this is true or not. It does not justify begrudging them a bed and meal if we can afford it.
This whole earthquake in Haiti has really pissed me off. All these stars, and people I know, throwing donations at Haiti relieve. Most are the same assholes who would rather 75 cents get lost in the washing machine verses giving it to an American vagrant. I say fuck that shit. You're also on my major douche fuck list if you did donate to Haiti relief yet have ever snubbed a panhandler here in our own backyard. If you want to get on your milk crate and pontificate about how the Haitians are victims of poverty and years of corrupt governments, go tell it to someone who fucking cares – I don't.
The whole reason for giving to Haiti while passing judgment and begrudging our homeless is because you are a self righteous piece of shit a with major guilt complex. You feel safe throwing money at a bunch of lazy fucks who are divided safely, out of physical sight, by an ocean. Our government plans to bring a bunch of Haitian refugees to Florida while we rebuild new cement building to fall on them again back home. Why not take the burden off our tax dole and citizens of Florida and open your home to a Haitian family? If you cared as much as you claim, this should be of no issue. Granted you could care if the homeless American you wouldn't give 75 cents lives or dies, however saving some third world person has a mystique of nobleness to it. I'm sure you could score a shit load of feel good humanitarian points at your next social function flaunting your new Haitian family.
Before tossing money to a group of people who have wasted billions in aid for the past 25 years, maybe look on your own turf. If you can justify our tax dollars bringing people like this to our country, providing them shelter and food, while we don't do it for current Americans, you're fucked. Gasp! If we do it for our drug addicts on the streets, they will only ask for more. Lord knows I am not going to support their drug habit. The money we are giving to Haiti, well, who the hell knows what they will use it for. I'm certain it won't be drugs.
Just something to think about as you put the kids in the minivan today. Care to ask me how I really feel?
Easy way to call a vagrant out is to offer buying them a meal verses actually giving them the coin. I have found most times they will decline the food. If they take you up on the meal I suggest you do it. Years ago in DC some bum hit me up for money. Instead, I offered to buy him lunch - he took me up on it. His stories were classic and after lunch he took my lost tourist ass on a tour. He was honestly refreshing to spend a day with.
What's fucked up is we harshly judge American homeless vagrants. People deem them lazy and believe they could get a job if they wanted. Of course they do drugs, all panhandlers do drugs! The only reason they are like they are is because they choose to be. Maybe this is true or not. It does not justify begrudging them a bed and meal if we can afford it.
This whole earthquake in Haiti has really pissed me off. All these stars, and people I know, throwing donations at Haiti relieve. Most are the same assholes who would rather 75 cents get lost in the washing machine verses giving it to an American vagrant. I say fuck that shit. You're also on my major douche fuck list if you did donate to Haiti relief yet have ever snubbed a panhandler here in our own backyard. If you want to get on your milk crate and pontificate about how the Haitians are victims of poverty and years of corrupt governments, go tell it to someone who fucking cares – I don't.
The whole reason for giving to Haiti while passing judgment and begrudging our homeless is because you are a self righteous piece of shit a with major guilt complex. You feel safe throwing money at a bunch of lazy fucks who are divided safely, out of physical sight, by an ocean. Our government plans to bring a bunch of Haitian refugees to Florida while we rebuild new cement building to fall on them again back home. Why not take the burden off our tax dole and citizens of Florida and open your home to a Haitian family? If you cared as much as you claim, this should be of no issue. Granted you could care if the homeless American you wouldn't give 75 cents lives or dies, however saving some third world person has a mystique of nobleness to it. I'm sure you could score a shit load of feel good humanitarian points at your next social function flaunting your new Haitian family.
Before tossing money to a group of people who have wasted billions in aid for the past 25 years, maybe look on your own turf. If you can justify our tax dollars bringing people like this to our country, providing them shelter and food, while we don't do it for current Americans, you're fucked. Gasp! If we do it for our drug addicts on the streets, they will only ask for more. Lord knows I am not going to support their drug habit. The money we are giving to Haiti, well, who the hell knows what they will use it for. I'm certain it won't be drugs.
Just something to think about as you put the kids in the minivan today. Care to ask me how I really feel?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Pussy Addiction..... NO, This Isn't Crazy Grandma With Too Many Cats.....
Holy mother of rehab Jesus! Sexual anorexia – now this is a new one for even me. Yes, it is real, and no, I don't have it. The term was first used clinically in 1975 by some douche fuck named Nathan Hare. First thing that came to my mind when I saw the term was some freak ass who starves themselves and gets off on it. I'm not even going to Google to see if sexual bulimia is considered a mental behavior issue. The whole concept of someone tossing their cookies while taking it doggie style just sounds like bad porn to me. This all takes me back to the urban legend of the sorority girl who shit on the frat guys chest while he was passed out naked. It's all just fucked up no matter how it's defined.
Clinical definition for sexual anorexia is “loss of 'appetite' for romantic-sexual interaction”. This is as far as I go with sexual anorexia bullshit because it isn't the topic at hand. I ran across the term while checking out the rehab Tiger Woods admitted his horny ass into, Pine Grove Treatment Center in Mississippi. Tiger is in the 'Gentle Paths' program which treats sexual addiction and sexual anorexia. Personally that sounds like throwing the professionals in with the amateurs but who am I to judge.
My reason for looking at the program offered at Pine Grove was to see if it is based upon a traditional 12 step program. As with any recovery group, the 12 step program is used for the patients after care. The initial detox program is based on some wack jobs 30 step program. Most modern recovery programs are spun off Bill Wilson's original Alcoholics Anonymous 12 steps. Considering most cannot remember all 12 steps of their recovery programs, how the hell will Tiger remember the first 30 then add in the traditional 12?
Just as I suspected, this whole treatment for sexual addictions is fucked up. It is equally as fucked up as the 12 step programs for over eaters. The key single element for any successful 12 step program is abstinence. Whatever your addiction is, never do it again and you will succeed. This why a 12 step program cannot be utilized to treat over eaters. What the fuck, they never touch food again? Persons in a 12 step program for over eating will tell you they don't completely abstain from food, they just abstain from compulsive eating and bad foods. Oh really? Let's march my asses down to an AA meeting right now and tell all those folks they have it wrong and have had it wrong for over 75 years. Those over eaters have it all figured out – just don't drink compulsively and stick to red wine - research has proven red wine is good for you. In fact, I'll take a few boxes of red wine with me so all those who have managed to abstain from alcohol and celebrate, not compulsively, with the good alcohol, not that bad stuff. If you are court appointed not to touch alcohol just tell the judge the over eaters said it was okay to drink red wine. I'm sure the courts will agree. Why is it fat people get all the breaks in life?
I suppose in theory, a 12 step program could be more realistic for sexual addiction verses the one for the mislead lard asses. Yet, you really see someone like Tiger going the rest of his life never fucking or getting a simple blow job again? - I certainly don't. Further, what person would date a celibate freak? Dating or marrying a person who does not drink, do drugs, gamble, that's easy. However we all need to fuck at some point. Whether it be in the twat or in the ass, we all need to fuck. Can people who complete this program even masturbate? It's really not considered sex. The Catholics will even tell you that now. So Tiger can jack off 50 times a day but never bone his wife, friends wives, kids school friends, or cheap whores ever again for the rest of his life? That's a waste of a perfectly good big black penis. If he no longer can use it, donate it to me. I would l love a cock transplant to replace this tiny pink one God fucked me over with. The damn thing doesn't even work anymore.
If I had some cash laying around I would go check my ass into this Pine Grove place just to see what really is going on. Just imagine a whole group of perverts trying to recover while thinking of fucking fellow patients. Over in the alcoholic wing, they don't allow mouth wash or hair spray because the drunks will try to drink it for the alcohol content. The sex addicts still have their vagina's and cocks - it's not as if they can just chop those fuckers off and give them back after the program is completed. I really wonder how the staff monitors sexual organ abuse while one is an inpatient?
I'm just not buying into this shit. Granted, the stories from sex rehab would be classic, but sorry folks, this program just ain't gonna work.
Clinical definition for sexual anorexia is “loss of 'appetite' for romantic-sexual interaction”. This is as far as I go with sexual anorexia bullshit because it isn't the topic at hand. I ran across the term while checking out the rehab Tiger Woods admitted his horny ass into, Pine Grove Treatment Center in Mississippi. Tiger is in the 'Gentle Paths' program which treats sexual addiction and sexual anorexia. Personally that sounds like throwing the professionals in with the amateurs but who am I to judge.
My reason for looking at the program offered at Pine Grove was to see if it is based upon a traditional 12 step program. As with any recovery group, the 12 step program is used for the patients after care. The initial detox program is based on some wack jobs 30 step program. Most modern recovery programs are spun off Bill Wilson's original Alcoholics Anonymous 12 steps. Considering most cannot remember all 12 steps of their recovery programs, how the hell will Tiger remember the first 30 then add in the traditional 12?
Just as I suspected, this whole treatment for sexual addictions is fucked up. It is equally as fucked up as the 12 step programs for over eaters. The key single element for any successful 12 step program is abstinence. Whatever your addiction is, never do it again and you will succeed. This why a 12 step program cannot be utilized to treat over eaters. What the fuck, they never touch food again? Persons in a 12 step program for over eating will tell you they don't completely abstain from food, they just abstain from compulsive eating and bad foods. Oh really? Let's march my asses down to an AA meeting right now and tell all those folks they have it wrong and have had it wrong for over 75 years. Those over eaters have it all figured out – just don't drink compulsively and stick to red wine - research has proven red wine is good for you. In fact, I'll take a few boxes of red wine with me so all those who have managed to abstain from alcohol and celebrate, not compulsively, with the good alcohol, not that bad stuff. If you are court appointed not to touch alcohol just tell the judge the over eaters said it was okay to drink red wine. I'm sure the courts will agree. Why is it fat people get all the breaks in life?
I suppose in theory, a 12 step program could be more realistic for sexual addiction verses the one for the mislead lard asses. Yet, you really see someone like Tiger going the rest of his life never fucking or getting a simple blow job again? - I certainly don't. Further, what person would date a celibate freak? Dating or marrying a person who does not drink, do drugs, gamble, that's easy. However we all need to fuck at some point. Whether it be in the twat or in the ass, we all need to fuck. Can people who complete this program even masturbate? It's really not considered sex. The Catholics will even tell you that now. So Tiger can jack off 50 times a day but never bone his wife, friends wives, kids school friends, or cheap whores ever again for the rest of his life? That's a waste of a perfectly good big black penis. If he no longer can use it, donate it to me. I would l love a cock transplant to replace this tiny pink one God fucked me over with. The damn thing doesn't even work anymore.
If I had some cash laying around I would go check my ass into this Pine Grove place just to see what really is going on. Just imagine a whole group of perverts trying to recover while thinking of fucking fellow patients. Over in the alcoholic wing, they don't allow mouth wash or hair spray because the drunks will try to drink it for the alcohol content. The sex addicts still have their vagina's and cocks - it's not as if they can just chop those fuckers off and give them back after the program is completed. I really wonder how the staff monitors sexual organ abuse while one is an inpatient?
I'm just not buying into this shit. Granted, the stories from sex rehab would be classic, but sorry folks, this program just ain't gonna work.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
No, The Fucking Sun Does Not Shine From Our Behinds...... Morrissey Is Such A Fagot
Excuse the sabbatical from my blog. I have been in recovery once again – this time from a sore and chapped ass. Get your minds out of the gutter. I might be a big homo but didn't shove some freak of nature object up my ass which resulted in its current skinless condition. I've been with some form of virus for the past ten days that has resulted in a volcano erupting out of my asshole. Eat it, shit it – drink it, shit it – think it shit it. Need I continue?
Have you ever noticed when you become sick, everyone around you becomes a fucking doctor? Throw the fact that I suck dick into the equation and suddenly I am ready for the Cleveland Clinic. Yes, a friend even asked me if it was “the AIDS” which is making me so sick. A fagot gets sick for ten days and suddenly it's “the AIDS”? Maybe that H1N1 has complicated “the AIDS”? Add “the AIDS” to all the animals us homo's shove up our asses and holy mother of fuck, time to divide up the Franklin Mint collectables. It's a fucking virus everyone!!!!! Going to a doctor isn't going to cure a virus. Not to mention it is a new year so the insurance deductible has not gotten a dent in it yet.
What's even funnier is being a recovering addict and getting sick. Missing a week of work and staying in bed always equates to binge drinking or drug use. All that time my grandmother laid in that hospital dying of cancer, I really knew the truth – it was one major fucking hang over. Yes, the ambiguous questions fly with cautious verbiage. Give it some thought folks. When is the last time you held someones ass over a toilet from being too fucked up? Fucked up people vomit. I'm sure in some cases they might shit. My guess is they shit in their pants, not in a toilet. If it will put everyone's worry at ease, I will gladly go to work, or come to your home, to prove I am not washing down my favorite pills with a box of Merlot. Once you hear my ass explode in the bathroom, and make the air stink worse than the streets of Haiti, I'm sure all will rest peacefully knowing I am still on the wagon. Oh, and don't forget to pick up one of those home HIV test kits to make sure I am not dying of “the AIDS”.
Then comes the proverbial question to those who are on their death bed at home - “do you need anything?” Why do people ask this question when they really have no intention of actually following through with it? Those who know me will not ask this question – they know I have no pride. If I don't ask for money I will certainly ask for something beyond what your intentions were. Of course I need something. I need a fuck load of “anything” - I've been sick for ten days. First off, clean my damn house. Begin with that vial ass toilet I have been blowing apart for the past ten days. It's not rocket science here, maybe since I have been uncontrollably shitting for ten days, I might need toilet paper restocked. Thankfully I have not had to resort to the never ending white Calvin Kline tees as of yet. My favorite are those who offer to bring you soup and then arrive with the Campbell's Condensed. I must say Campbell's Tomato is good just make sure there is fucking milk in the house. When it's made with water all I can think about are the kids from my school days who were on the government lunch program. Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup day was always like Sardi's on a Saturday night to them. Unlike the maitre d' at Sardi's, the lunch lady still served the poor kids even though their parents didn't bathe them for the decidable feast. My point is, if you offer soup, don't fucking show up with a can.
On the soup note, I must say not everyone left me to die with my exploding ass. My mother stepped up and sent over a big jar of homemade chicken noodle soup. Of course she didn't actually bring me the soup. My father bought it and followed mothers instructions carefully - he handed it to me through a cracked door. I am certain he returned to his car wiping his hands with the sanitizer wet wipes my mother gave him. We all know how a simple virus can wipe out those old folks. By-pass surgery, hip replacements are no problem. A single virus and they run for cover. A big thanks to Mom!
Currently, I feel my intestines are possibly creating a solid bowl-movement. That should allow me to return to blogging relatively soon. That is of course if I don't get “the AIDS” in the meantime.
Have you ever noticed when you become sick, everyone around you becomes a fucking doctor? Throw the fact that I suck dick into the equation and suddenly I am ready for the Cleveland Clinic. Yes, a friend even asked me if it was “the AIDS” which is making me so sick. A fagot gets sick for ten days and suddenly it's “the AIDS”? Maybe that H1N1 has complicated “the AIDS”? Add “the AIDS” to all the animals us homo's shove up our asses and holy mother of fuck, time to divide up the Franklin Mint collectables. It's a fucking virus everyone!!!!! Going to a doctor isn't going to cure a virus. Not to mention it is a new year so the insurance deductible has not gotten a dent in it yet.
What's even funnier is being a recovering addict and getting sick. Missing a week of work and staying in bed always equates to binge drinking or drug use. All that time my grandmother laid in that hospital dying of cancer, I really knew the truth – it was one major fucking hang over. Yes, the ambiguous questions fly with cautious verbiage. Give it some thought folks. When is the last time you held someones ass over a toilet from being too fucked up? Fucked up people vomit. I'm sure in some cases they might shit. My guess is they shit in their pants, not in a toilet. If it will put everyone's worry at ease, I will gladly go to work, or come to your home, to prove I am not washing down my favorite pills with a box of Merlot. Once you hear my ass explode in the bathroom, and make the air stink worse than the streets of Haiti, I'm sure all will rest peacefully knowing I am still on the wagon. Oh, and don't forget to pick up one of those home HIV test kits to make sure I am not dying of “the AIDS”.
Then comes the proverbial question to those who are on their death bed at home - “do you need anything?” Why do people ask this question when they really have no intention of actually following through with it? Those who know me will not ask this question – they know I have no pride. If I don't ask for money I will certainly ask for something beyond what your intentions were. Of course I need something. I need a fuck load of “anything” - I've been sick for ten days. First off, clean my damn house. Begin with that vial ass toilet I have been blowing apart for the past ten days. It's not rocket science here, maybe since I have been uncontrollably shitting for ten days, I might need toilet paper restocked. Thankfully I have not had to resort to the never ending white Calvin Kline tees as of yet. My favorite are those who offer to bring you soup and then arrive with the Campbell's Condensed. I must say Campbell's Tomato is good just make sure there is fucking milk in the house. When it's made with water all I can think about are the kids from my school days who were on the government lunch program. Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup day was always like Sardi's on a Saturday night to them. Unlike the maitre d' at Sardi's, the lunch lady still served the poor kids even though their parents didn't bathe them for the decidable feast. My point is, if you offer soup, don't fucking show up with a can.
On the soup note, I must say not everyone left me to die with my exploding ass. My mother stepped up and sent over a big jar of homemade chicken noodle soup. Of course she didn't actually bring me the soup. My father bought it and followed mothers instructions carefully - he handed it to me through a cracked door. I am certain he returned to his car wiping his hands with the sanitizer wet wipes my mother gave him. We all know how a simple virus can wipe out those old folks. By-pass surgery, hip replacements are no problem. A single virus and they run for cover. A big thanks to Mom!
Currently, I feel my intestines are possibly creating a solid bowl-movement. That should allow me to return to blogging relatively soon. That is of course if I don't get “the AIDS” in the meantime.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Mom! Jesus Farted.....
Some things in life I'll never get. The whole church concept is a major one. People who hit rock bottom often find salvation in the church. Some people go way off the deep end and end up in a Jim Jones style cult thinking it's a church. I find the cult concept much more entertaining than church. Good cults always end up committing mass suicides and make for interesting reading.
I've met so many in recovery who claim Jesus saved them. They're not talking about Jesus the illegal Mexican who cuts their lawn. It's the son of God Jesus who no one has actually met in person. This is the same guy which cultures have waged war in his name killing countless numbers. Shit, the Muslims are still blowing themselves up claiming it to be in the name of God. My favorite is when high profile people get busted and suddenly put their fate in God's hands. If they don't want to answer a question as to what they really did, they turn the question and say it's up to God's will. What is God's will and how does that keep your guilty ass out of jail? Even mass murders seem to think finding God will suddenly erase the fact they butchered a shit load of people.
When forced, I've done the church thing. It always amazes me how nice everyone is there. Take the exact same group of people, put them in a movie theater verses a church, and they aren't going to be that fucking nice. The same guy who shakes your hand in church with the peace be with you line would steal your seat and tell you to fuck off at the movie theater. Another thing to observe if you go to a church is what happens when mass is over. Once people get out of the building, it's like hell on wheels to get in their car and get the fuck away. Seriously people drive like maniacs to get out of the church parking lot. I'm surprised there isn't a higher incident of deaths by cars in church parking lots.
What I have noticed most about being in a church is how bad farts smell. The same fart at home doesn't smell like if you farted in church. I often wonder if those wood seats make farts smell worse. It could also be possible so many people have farted on those seats that fart molecules remain in the wood. When someone farts, it's not only their stink, but the remnant molecules of every person who farted before them. This creates an unbalanced fart which smells worse than the standard fart. For some reason, everyone just deals with these nasty assed mixed farts when in a church. No dirty looks, no one gets up and leaves in disgust, they just act as if there is no gut wrenching smell. Maybe they believe that line of Satan crawling out of your ass and take the smell as an exorcism. All I know is church is the only place you can get away with farting and no one makes a comment or passes a dirty look. I try to fart in church just for this reason.
For those going to church today, or the next time you go, I dare you, fart. You'll see what I am talking about. Your fart will smell way worse than if you farted at home. God bless and peace be with you.
I've met so many in recovery who claim Jesus saved them. They're not talking about Jesus the illegal Mexican who cuts their lawn. It's the son of God Jesus who no one has actually met in person. This is the same guy which cultures have waged war in his name killing countless numbers. Shit, the Muslims are still blowing themselves up claiming it to be in the name of God. My favorite is when high profile people get busted and suddenly put their fate in God's hands. If they don't want to answer a question as to what they really did, they turn the question and say it's up to God's will. What is God's will and how does that keep your guilty ass out of jail? Even mass murders seem to think finding God will suddenly erase the fact they butchered a shit load of people.
When forced, I've done the church thing. It always amazes me how nice everyone is there. Take the exact same group of people, put them in a movie theater verses a church, and they aren't going to be that fucking nice. The same guy who shakes your hand in church with the peace be with you line would steal your seat and tell you to fuck off at the movie theater. Another thing to observe if you go to a church is what happens when mass is over. Once people get out of the building, it's like hell on wheels to get in their car and get the fuck away. Seriously people drive like maniacs to get out of the church parking lot. I'm surprised there isn't a higher incident of deaths by cars in church parking lots.
What I have noticed most about being in a church is how bad farts smell. The same fart at home doesn't smell like if you farted in church. I often wonder if those wood seats make farts smell worse. It could also be possible so many people have farted on those seats that fart molecules remain in the wood. When someone farts, it's not only their stink, but the remnant molecules of every person who farted before them. This creates an unbalanced fart which smells worse than the standard fart. For some reason, everyone just deals with these nasty assed mixed farts when in a church. No dirty looks, no one gets up and leaves in disgust, they just act as if there is no gut wrenching smell. Maybe they believe that line of Satan crawling out of your ass and take the smell as an exorcism. All I know is church is the only place you can get away with farting and no one makes a comment or passes a dirty look. I try to fart in church just for this reason.
For those going to church today, or the next time you go, I dare you, fart. You'll see what I am talking about. Your fart will smell way worse than if you farted at home. God bless and peace be with you.
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